That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
