shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
