I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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