Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
