Just fell off a train. Bad.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
there was a trapeze. enough said
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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