he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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