Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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