Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
