My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
