Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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