She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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