matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
