my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
