Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
