i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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