Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
