So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
