i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
