I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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