Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
