God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
