I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
