btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
