She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
