I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
