so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
