i just wanna soil my oats bro
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i drank out of a bidet.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I deserve this hangover.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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