I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
