I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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