I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
