I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
