would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
