Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
