There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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