he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I lost the right to judge tonight
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
