I'm gonna have a badass scar
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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