Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
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