Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you traded sex for a burrito?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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