my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
