i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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