so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
