Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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