The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
