I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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