At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
