I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
