She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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