it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
