Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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