If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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