hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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