There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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