In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Less talking, more tequila
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
