why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
