OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you traded sex for a burrito?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
