Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
