Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
