I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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