Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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