Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
